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BRAIN DUMP...

LONELINESS AND MY THOUGHT WORLD...

Have you ever sat in a room full of people and still felt absolutely alone? Well, I have. It's not like I didn't enjoy the company of the people in the room, and it's nothing personal to them. Just, feeling alone has always been a part of my life. Some people see being alone and being lonely as two different things. I disagree. I've felt both at separate times, in separate situations. Just because you have people around you that love you, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't feel alone. 


Sometimes, being alone can be good. Believe me, I'm trying to be able to be alone. But when you're sitting in a room and you are physically alone with nothing to occupy you, your mind can tend to wander. When this happens to me, I'm usually staring mindlessly at a screen, not even paying attention to what's on it. My brain starts to play with me, thoughts darting around faster than fireflies. Thoughts about people, my body, my past mistakes, and what I'm going to do with my life, just anything that can't be good for someone to dwell on. Most recently, my thoughts have been about how I'm going to start fresh - the one I've been ranting about. There is also this other thing that completely shuts me down when  gone wrong- Love! I don't really want to talk about it. For all I know Love and feelings are not for me. Back to the actual subject- Sometimes I spend time thinking about worldly matters. If you ask me "why I do so"? I don't know. Its crazy, I mean I just can't keep my mind shut even for a minute. Some days I have these emotional breakdowns which completely shatters me. At that point of time, all I want to do is lie down in my bed and think about all the negativity in my life and feel sorry for myself. I know it isn't an option anymore. I've been told numerous times that I feel sorry for myself too much. And maybe it's true. I am also WAY too hard on myself sometimes, I can admit that, because I know I should be making better decisions for my life. I didn't always realize that beating yourself up can be far worse for mental health than someone else doing the beating. Spending time alone to reflect on things can be something to drive you crazy. That's why I'm making an effort to find things that are fun to do alone, like listening to music with headphones blasting in my ears, re-organizing my room, reading, taking a nice ride, spending time outside, etc. I've been trying my hardest to find joy in all of my alone time. I don't really know what i am good at but I am hoping to find a hobby to keep myself distracted from all that thoughts that eat me day and night. Lately, I have been thinking of going to a public library and spending my time there reading books. I might sound crazy but these are things that go through my mind. I will try my best to keep myself engaged so much so that there is no room for any negativity in my life.

I know I've rambled enough for today, so I'll end it on this note: Even if you do feel alone, or lonely, or whatever you want to call it, there's always someone out there who really does care for you and want the best for you. And if you're feeling down on yourself and just generally a failure, I want you to know that I've felt and I still feel these things, and I do have two ears, so I will listen. You never have to feel like nobody cares. :)

Xoxo

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