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I kinda need a break from everything. My last couple of days have been horrible and I had trouble sleeping at night too. I don't really want to talk about what caused it. I have been trying to solve an issue but it ended up giving me a heartache. So this morning when I reached the breaking point, I decided to seek help. I knew if I didn't do it, I would probably end up hurting myself or losing my sanity once and for all. I looked up on the internet to find out what kind of doctor is best for treating my depression situation and it turned out I should consider seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. The reason why I decided to see a doctor is because I needed someone to understand what I was going through and help me get back in the track. I don't have many friends, because I was never good at maintaining a good relationship with anyone. I always preferred being rather alone and I was always pushing people away even when they wanted to be friends with me. So, In order for me to be in my senses, I needed a professional who could understand me and help me get medications if required. I looked up and searched for a doctor and then it occurred to me that I could use the doctor's app for the same. I put up my problem and the app suggested me a psychologist. The doctor was a lady and I paid online for consultation and when I stated my problem, she called me and we spoke on the phone for about an hour. I didn't really want to tell her what triggered my depression situation but I sort of gave her a gist of what's going on and how I feel physically and emotionally. She wasn't really helpful and every question she asked made me feel all the more worse - the "why did you?" questions. C'mon She is supposed to provide a solution, not backfire at me asking questions like a parent. The conversation went on for an hour and she sort of suggested that I see a doctor locally and seek help. I asked her what was wrong with me and all she said was that I maybe suffering from anxiety attack (OCD) and depression and suggested I consult a psychiatrist in person and take up medications following which I will be required to sign up for a therapy. After talking to her I was really unsure if I should see a psychiatrist and sign up for a therapy. The reason being these people are a complete waste of money. They don't really do much or help us feel better, atleast thats what I felt from my experience talking to one. Anyway as she suggested, I decided to book an appointment with a psychiatrist. I am very skeptical about this because this consultation and therapy would cost me a bomb. I have been unemployed for months now which means I can't even afford a candy. I am soooo OVER ! 

After weighing my options, I realized that the cost involved would literally rip my undies and I am not even sure if I will get benefited from the sessions. So I am still thinking if I should go about with it or not. 

Keeping all that aside, I decided to take a break from the social media and spend time figuring out what I am good at. I don't think writing is my thing, infact I feel I am a shitty writer. To be honest, I don't really know if I am good at anything. -_- I think what I am lacking now is encouragement, motivation and self confidence. I will find a way to get through this. For now, I want to stay as far away from people as possible which might aggravate my condition but its fine. And about going to a psychiatrist- I am still thinking... $$$$$$


Update: I happened to talk to a really good doctor and I have been advised to take anti depressant drug for 2 weeks. He has asked me to keep myself engaged or find a hobby to keep my mind distracted. I started taking them and I have never felt better than I do right now. 💓


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